• John Kim

Gone with the Guilt

Updated: Jun 16, 2020

Psalm 51:2 “Wash me clean from my guilt.”

When I was a kid I used to have nightmares that the US and Korea went to war. I remember waking up and asking my mom in tears who I should fight for if that were to ever happen. For as long as I can remember I’ve been plagued by this internal conflict that manifests in so many different ways.

Am I Korean or American? Am I a logical engineer or a creative musician? Am I a people loving extrovert or a thoughtful introvert? I could never answer these questions, and I chalked it up to being a Gemini.

In a world that values focus, this duality has plagued me with tremendous guilt.

Just yesterday afternoon I was talking with a friend about what to do with my website, which I hadn’t updated in quite some time. I told him that I do a quick daily write up of my meditation with God, and I’d been playing with the idea of sharing that to a larger audience, perhaps on my site.

Me: “But the issue is that I’m not a pastor, I’m a VC.”

Friend: “But you’re a preacher.”

Me: “Yes, well I guess I’m confused.”

Friend: “I think you should embrace it. I know you bring spiritual guidance to your portfolio companies. In your sermons I know you also take a lot of spiritual concepts and illustrate with your experience in the marketplace. You’re on a path of self-discovery like all of us. Bring people along that journey.”

Later in the evening, I went through a 3+ hour intense exercise with the inner healing team from my church and it emerged that this inner tension, this sense of guilt, and confusion have blocked me from achieving all the things I’ve been designed to achieve. We started work on some of these issues, and at the end of the session I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted. One member of the team got this picture that my life had been like two plants in a planter growing in different directions, but that once the light of sun came out the started to align and grow in the same direction.

“You’ve had a lot of experiences that have pulled you in different directions, towards different interests and beliefs, towards different people and people groups. But I feel God wants to bring you into a new season where all these elements are coming together and moving in the same direction.”

After we finished up our session I prayed and felt God tell me he’s washing me clean from my guilt, my confusion and my inner conflict. He also gave me the greenlight to share these posts, so please keep an eye out for more!

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